Free Your Mind
In recognition of May being Mental Health Month I would like to share a story. As always my posts aim to help or encourage or educate, never to judge.
Over the last ten years I've encountered an increase of bright, successful women living while managing anxiety, panic attacks and/or depression. These are real conditions which left untreated, may evolve into debilitating health, similar to untreated hypertension or diabetes. Unfortunately, because of stigmas and lack of understanding, mental health challenges especially in the faith community, and among people of color are often dismissed, trivialized or ignored.
The medical definition for anxiety disorder is; a mental health disorder characterized by feelings of worry, anxiety, or fear that are strong enough to interfere with one's daily activities.
Oftentimes extroverts are inaccurately categorized as fearless. If someone is able to address a group publicly or are gifted in any of the performing arts they are automatically seen as attention seeking or confident.
As a child I've always liked people and inherited my Dad’s sense of humor. A natural at crafting a joke while downplaying my inward struggles. Primarily, only my immediate family knew I would go through the back door of our house and walk three or four blocks out of the way, to avoid walking past groups of other teens congregated at the corner. These teens were my peers, normal kids my brother and I went to school with and grew up alongside.
As a freshman in college, the memory of needing classmates to escort me across the cafeteria to get a fork or beverage and the maddening internal screaming behind a Colgate smile is very vivid.
Years of eczema brought on by diet and allergens but aggravated by anxiety, resulted in skin severely inflamed and scarred from nervous scratching until I bled.
In the Fall of 2002 , eight months pregnant with my last son, I consented to start a drama program at a performing arts school I attended as a child. The day I walked through the doors of the school's Saturday practice, I could feel my chest tighten. My eczema was healed, however my skin started to itch. My face became increasingly warm as my eyes swelled with tears. I remembered how inadequate and inferior I felt in this arena. My substandard self esteem lured me to quit the program one year before I graduated high school and missed receiving a scholarship. An opportunity was ended because of being reprimanded publicly by the director in front of my peers and simply wanting an out for what felt like torment to me. Twenty years later as I now visited as a pregnant actress, I had mastered masking the flood of all these intense feelings, ignited by a simple reflection. Closing my eyes that day I reminded myself. "You are not the student any more. You are the teacher. Open your eyes. All the children here you could of birthed. You are capable, you will be OK. Breathe".
Other episodes of being paralyzed by fear are countless while dressed as defensiveness, procrastination or a change of heart.
Many people have found relief and solution through effective medical remedies and prescriptions. I applaud their quest to not just survive but to thrive.
I have found an alternate path to freedom. Though it may seem delusional or surreal, when I decided to surrender my rationale and logic to an all knowing Father, things changed. It started with me believing the reality of His love towards me regardless of my many, many mistakes. Then a tenacity was birthed to inquire from the manufacturer information on His model. Similar to the stance one would take if they thought they purchased a “lemon” from a trusted car dealer. “Well, I'm looking at the manual and YOU said YOU would keep my mind in perfect peace if it stays on YOU. My mind is racing..What's up? YOU said to be anxious for nothing but with prayer and asking let my requests be known. I'm still anxious.. What's up? YOU said YOU didn’t give me a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind. My stomach is in knots, I have digestive issues, my skin is a mess and my head is pounding because I'm so afraid right now... WHAT'S UP?!!!”
He allowed me to answer my own questions by observing His track record. The sunrise and sunset of each day. The suspension of the moon. The rotation of the earth on its axis. Birds never begging for worms, certain of daily provision. The punctuality of annuals and perennials in a garden. His resume among everything He created was flawless. I had arrogantly perceived myself so exceptional that He would risk His stellar reputation by not coming through for me when He promised never to fail?
How misguided and prideful in my perception. A dethroning of self and an exalting of Him began the jailbreak. As I yielded to His requests beckoning me to come closer and clenched onto Him, liberty was birthed. Not without struggles and setbacks from a real enemy who from the beginning of time created chaos by causing man to be too lofty in his view of self. Under various guises, we have been convinced to listen and believe a lie and remain our own captives.
Searching for and closing the trap doors of disobedience and clarifying my environment with aromatherapy, music that heals and relationships which are real, have been the luxurious enhancers of liberty. There is no convincing me on a limit to His ability or His desire to destroy captivity because a sentence I should’ve served for life He blessed me with amnesty.
Free at last. Free at last. Thank God Almighty I’m free at last.